Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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