I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
