I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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