you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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