my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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