I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
