I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
