Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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