the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
