Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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