That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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