I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
