Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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