oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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