my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
