A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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