At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I intend to get homeless drunk
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
