I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
