Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
