He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
