Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
