I think I won the penis lottery.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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