well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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