So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
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I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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