Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
