a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Too much gin, very little bucket
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
