so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
