my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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