An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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