I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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