I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
