I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my being single is dangerous.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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