It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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