My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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