____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
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We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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