I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
