haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck