She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
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Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
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Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life