Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
