I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
