dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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