he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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