Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
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All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
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Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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