Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
