He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
