why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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