When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
