Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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