Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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