what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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