just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
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Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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