YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
