i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
