im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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