dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
