i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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