we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
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oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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