There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
