sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
